This page will be saved for those moans (I'm very impressed I'm keeping my language this polite, I mean I could be saying things like fu... I would now like to make a big apology for that almost disgraceful use of language, I will now sack them. I like to sack people) specific to modern developments. Embrace that inner hatred of the past, it'll be good for you. Probably.
£70 - phone bill
If you've ever felt that you have more money than is humanly possible to spend, the why not spend £70 on a phone (per month?).
This is currently the cost of the most expensive contract on the market, and if you're the soft of person who needs enough data to watch approximately 46 streamed films a month, then why not. Except, nobody does watch 46 films a month. But perhaps there is a use for it if you want to download everything that's ever been put on the Internet ever onto your phone, so you can carry it around and look through endless dull blogs is about different flavours of cheese and roundabouts (yes there is a roundabout blog)
Cynical ramblings is offering a phone contract it's £1000 a month for that you get time 100,000 minutes, 5 billion texts 40,000 GB of data and a free cuddly toy- whoop de doo...
Felfie (no that's not one of our usual spelling mistakes)
Ever wanted to take a selfie with a farm animal, well don't worry because the felfie is here for those of us who enjoy posting pictures of ourselves with farm animals on social networks! Happily I'm sure this will fill the cow shaped hole many of us have had in our lives for quite sometime, so, get out there and take some felifes! (unless you live in a city, in which case we're very sorry).
Non-profit
Internet sites gain huge amounts of traffic every year (some thing that's unlikely to happen here) and subsequently gain huge amounts of money's rom advertising and adverts on their site. We are, as you may know, a non-profit organisation (I.e. I can't get the advertising thingumajig - I was autocorrected there- to work). We spend hours carefully engineering the content here, just for you, and as a result, need money to support the business. So, please send donations of at least £5000 or $30000000 in equivalent currency to:1 Gullible Avenue
Easily Conned Green
Scamland
SUCKER G23
Tiger Donation
Leonardo Dicaprio has donated $3 million to Tigers, that's good, I'm sure the Tigers will like it. Good day.
Laptop Smells
Our attention was drawn to a fascinating piece of news the other. We would like to apologize for the sudden interruption of this paragraph we would just like to point out that the following news is NOT fascinating, only disgusting. The person responsible for such vile views has just been sacked. The laptop firm Dell had its attention drawn to the chemicals it is using in the production of the Latitude 6430u becuase of one rather unfortunate consequence. It smells, of cat wee.The end, goodday, goodbye, etc.
Upper-Class Text-speak
There is often a lot of confusion within the wealthier social circles of this planet to the meaning of modern words, and in particular, text speak. However, what text speak would be most suitable to the super rich? Well, in answer we present the "Cynical Ramblings book of Upper Class text-speak"- Well not a book as such, more of a small list compiled on a dusty corner of the internet.
- LAP- Laughing at the poor
- TEF- Tax evasion forever
- CIG- Caviare is great
- LOTF- Living off the trust fund
- MMTS- More money than sense
- INW- I've never worked
- BOR- Buying oil rigs
- MSCMMTYEIYEWL- My shed cost more money than you'll earn in your entire worthless life
- DCW- Doing charitable work (I thought we should finish on a high note).
Labyrinth Supermarkets
The first word here is, WHY? Why on this beautiful planet would you want to build a multi-floored plastic cladded monstrosity. They are the very epicentre of all that is boredom. They are a labyrinth of confusion, and they reek of cleaning fluid.
So the solution: I've no idea
So the solution: I've no idea
Phone Updates
It has come to our attention that a great deal of people have been deeply have been deeply rattled by the release of Apple's iOS seven. We understand that this may be traumatising time, so we will be running a range of support workshops, these include: the Get Over it it's only a computer program workshop, and our acclaimed Pull yourself together workshop.
So please email iveovereacted@itllbefine.com for more details
Clear pencil cases
I'd like to raised the issue of the clear pencil case. You see, in the past decade our world has been swarmed with a multicolored army of exotic pencil cases, all becoming more gregarious (seriously , I'm not actually sure if that word even exists, i think it's a ridiculously look word for flamboyant, which is in itself a big word. AAH, I'm trapped in a spiral of complex words). The worst of all the cases however, is the one with no color, the see-through pencil case. The problem is not that it can get dirty, or that it looks a little silly, it's that other people can see inside. It feels as though they're prying into your life, looking into your heart, not forgetting that when they ask to borrow something, you can't pretend you don't have it (a key way to gaining revenge).In short, all clear pencil cases should be banned, they are evil and corrupt, sort of.
Ham, It's Everywhere!
Walk into a canteen, standing either side of you is a vast array of foodstuff towering dauntingly over you, oh no, the hot food has run out. You walk over to the sandwich cooler, and are greeted by a huge mound of ham produce. It appears to be a dead-zone for all that is not fragment of pig. But, all of a sudden, out of the corner of your eye you glimpse a cheese and lettuce sandwich; picking it up you gaze at it, only to see a thin slice of ham drawling out from its side. It is omnipresent (I'm not sure if i know exactly what that means, i may have said something rude).
My point is, however, that ham is dominating the canteens' of the world and if find this thought disturbing. Good day.
PPI Adverts
PPI adverts, an endless barrage of men with deep voices telling you that Linda and Dave managed to claim £5000000 of their miss-sold PPI and now own Scotland; every other word is "FACT", and to make matters worse, it flashes up on the screen in size 90 font making you're eyes want to shrivel up and die. I've always been curious to what the small print is, a part of me thinks it's something like "Upon claiming we have the right to extract all your body parts, extract your soul and sell them, you will however receive a free pen.
