Cat Friend Cafe
A cat friendly cafe or 'Cafe Meow' as it will be known is set to open in Italy - the cafe will take care of abandoned cats and customers and local children will b able to play with them. There are already 100s of these cafés in countries like Japan, and China is bringing to open the too.
There is however one small problem, what doe cat cafe say to you? Does it perhaps, even if it's only in a desolate corner of your mind, imply that it serves cats...? Doe sit not suggest they take in rescue cats and stew them, or serve them with whipped cream and strawberries?
It's a tiny bit wet in Britain
You may have noticed if any small snippet of the news has penetrated into your brain that there has been small amount of rain on the entirety of the British Isles, resulting in such momentous levels of flooding that entire towns now look like incredibly unhygienic swimming pools.
On the upside however, it's been an opportunity for politicians to feel as though they are doing something, by appearing with solemn faces on the Andrew Mar show and then having a droning moan about their colleagues - it would, perhaps, be silly to suggest that the skulkers of Westminster don't actually care about the welling of those they preside over with such STOP.
Apologies for the above rant, the sarcasm levels were too high making it not quite clear to whether or not the politicians do or don't care (they don't). To console you however, the writer of the article has just been sacked.
The Wonders of Bit Coin
Ah, yes the technological wonder that is bit coin! The online virtual currency set to change the way we live forever, at least it would if it worked... Bit Coin is a virtual currency to use during online shopping and other internet purchasing spots, it should be a safer easier way to use our money. Except there are on or two problems, well three actually.
- No one knows about it, the garbled paragraph above is the entirety of my knowledge about it
- It is perhaps the least reliable piece of software ever created, so the media is gifted with an almost weekly botch-up
- The name, sounds, ridiculous. I find it overwhelmingly to imagine that the sound of someone saying "that dress was 50 Bit Coins you know!"
It's Christmas
It's still Christmas
£1 Airports
The Scottish government has recently purchased an airport in a dire economic state for £1. That doesn't need elaborating on, the title says it all. Goodbye.
Deflated Duck
Oh, good Lord. The news of the century has struck us (emphasised sarcasm). A massive 18m tall inflatable duck has deflated in Taiwan after an earthquake. The onlookers to this plastic creation watched in horror as the plastic beast deflated (you'd think that in an earthquake your first priority might not be watching a deflating duck...). In fact, onlookers were so distraught by this sombre occurrence that they called for a minutes silence in memory of an inanimate oversized bath toy. I cannot help but feel a little piteous for those people who had nothing better to do than morn such an event.
EU Hacking
The ever moral NSA is raised once again into the public view with another one of there oh so moral practices being discovered. Hacking EU leaders. As we all know, if you want to know something the best way to go about finding out is utterly invading people's privacy. Rather than the old fashioned alternative of, just ASKING them -angry caps lock. We do however pity those who had to listen in, there might have been some juicy information somewhere, but for the most part it must have been 12 hours a day of listening to diplomatic waffle.
But if you think you're being hacked, you could look on the brighter side. You're considered to be of enough worth and interest to hack. And as the ultimate hacker deterrent, just talk about disturbing things when on the phone, eventually they'll get so repulsed they'll give up (i do not say this from experience!).
We apologize for the low standard of the above advice, so we have since sacked the entire news team as we suspect conspiracy.
Autumn fashion
Well this week is seeing the rise of the autumnal fashion of 2013, several ground breaking outfits such as the "entire body covered in suspiciously sticky leaves" look (I'm disappointed to say that name will never take off) have hit high street stores by storm. Now everywhere you look you can see people of all ages wearing leaves dead branches and more!
So get out there today, and slather yourself in dead stuff- by this we DO NOT mean kill an animal or person and drape yourself in its skin, this is actually against the law.
Education Botch up
Mr. Michel Gove (I think I've spelt his name wrong, but I don't care) exactly fits the criteria for an education minister, wonderful! He has No (nil Point, zil, zero) experience in teaching, he was privately educated (giving him NO experience if the state school system) and his expression is permanently jammed between smiling and snarling (I swear that is on the criteria).With Mr. Gove's leadership, you can have the opportunity to lose all faith in schools, watch as GCSEs become as difficult as doctorates, and cringe at his utterly unmoving speeches. Believe in
Michael Gove, believe in completely uncertain and strange policies (that wasn't as snappy as I'd hoped)
Oh, I think I may need to have a lie down from the news, BOB GELDOF IS GOING TO SPACE (note the lack of exclamation marks). This was clearly announced by a media with nothing else to do, I couldn't care less! In fact, I would advise an immediate call to the emergency services for anyone who feels the slightest tinge of care coming on... (We apologise to those of you who felt that the above reaction was an overreaction, however we have instead decided to just 'dispose' of that particular writer). Perhaps the media could instead to comment on things that people actually care about, for example, new advances in medicine, or current political affairs, or what flavour cake is in fashion. All of the items in that list would be great subject items for the media.
The HS2 (Don't ask me why I put it in pink, it looks quite pretty anyway).
The first issue here is, what does it mean? I thought it was new a heating system for meat ("Hot Salami 2).
Sadly however, it isn't. Instead it's basically a very fast train, really fast. So fast in fact, you can get from Birmingham to London in about 30 minutes. Woo hoo! BUT, it's quite expensive. 32128514 times more expensive than a German pepper coated salami. And there's more, some people say the train will go right past their house, and obviously this will completely ruin their life and cause them to need extensive therapy. I believe the answer to this argument is "It doesn't go through your lounge, (at which point I accept there would be a problem) it won't kill you, it's OK."
There happens to be a train line very near me, and I haven't died yet.
